Thursday, February 19, 2009

I need peace

I know things almost never go according to plan. That's fine. I can work with that. But why is it that it seems like NOTHING has gone right for me these past few years? Seriously, I can think of maybe a handful of good things in my life that basically mean squat because everything else gets screwed up in one way or another. These good things are meaningless if those other things don't work out. I'm so sick of just trying to be hopeful but end up being completely disappointed all over again. I'm so sick of the same thing going wrong time after time. I'm so sick of people treating me like crap and making me feel like I'm not even wanted. I'm so sick of everything just being a let down.

These things aren't even in my control which makes it that much more frustrating. I have to just deal with it and hope it doesn't push me over the edge. I have to keep everything locked up inside of me because I have no where to let it all out, and even I did it wouldn't change the fact that everything still goes wrong!

I need some things to start going right very soon otherwise I know I will have a mental break down and just crack.

After years and years of stress and disappointment I can feel the anger and sadness building up inside me. My chest hurts, I'm anxious, I panic, and I already have difficulty breathing properly. If you only knew what I was feeling inside I can guarantee you would almost loose the will to live. I say almost because I'm not there quite yet since I'm still able to manage some kind of hopefulness.

Don't let my smile fool you. Smiling doesn't equal happiness.

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