Monday, December 22, 2008

Exciting news: My fiancé is a business owner!

Yeah that's right! My future hubby (wow, I normally hate that word yet here I am using it. I must be in a good mood) has his own business. Last week Tommy officially started it up, put up his website, and got some awesome looking business cards. He had been working towards it for a few months and now it is finally a reality. I'm still a bit skeptical about its possible progress not because I have no faith in him but because well I'm a worrier which comes with the territory of anxiety and because the economy is as we all know, down the toilet. But I am trying to ignore my feelings and be positive. That's another thing, I'm generally a negative person but I'm trying to break out of that.

So today he went out looking for potential customers. The response was great. 90% of it was positive and that was only within one city. I can't wait to see how this works out for him. Everyone seems to be impressed by his website and business cards, even those who are usually a little tactless when it comes to saying things and only put people down. So maybe my pessimistic attitude really IS all for nothing. I can only hope.

A little info on how he got into this and what his business is based on. Long story short, we know someone who owns the same type of business that Tommy is now into. When he found out that Tommy was engaged and looking for a job he offered to teach Tommy what he does so he could eventually start up his own business, basically to help him out out of the kindness of his own heart. Which is where we are now. Tommy is now an "Auto Decor Specialist." This is the first time I've ever heard of this particular title, but what he offers isn't anything new to me. It's a mobile business so Tommy will be going from auto body shops and car dealers to do a few "Decor" jobs on cars when something needs to be done that they can't do themselves or don't do well. Things like pin striping, wheel wells, blackout tape, applying decals, and stone squares. Tommy LOVES it. He says he has so much fun doing it and sometimes see some really awesome cars (muscle cars!). Apparently not many people in our area do this type of work, and the man who helped Tommy only has 3% of the auto body shops in the LA county area so everything else is basically up for grabs. The odds seem to be in our favor. Hopefully our hopes and dreams can come true when it comes to this business, and things can start going right for us. Only time will tell :)

Friday, December 19, 2008

You're really not as great as you seem to believe

Why is it that those who have no business being cocky or picky are usually the ones who are? If you're good looking or loaded with money then I can "understand" you're reasoning. It's not an attractive quality in my opinion but thats not the point I'm trying to make. For those who really have nothing going for them, what is their reasoning? To make themselves feel better? Being confident is one thing, being overly confident is a big no no in my book.

There is one person I have known forever that is such a big retard! Btw, if you're reading this pay attention because you REALLY need to hear it. Either way I'll be saying it to your face. First I'd like to start off by saying that I am the type of girl who actually doesn't care about looks. I go for the guys with the good attitudes, who can make me laugh, and are fun to be around. If he's attractive then thats a plus! Not saying an attractive guy won't catch my eye, but the guy with the right personality is what will catch my heart. Anyways, this guy is goofy looking, he tries too hard to be something he is obviously not, thinks he's a sweet talker (Just because you can get 15 year old girls to fall for you doesn't mean you have game my friend), tries to flash money that is basically petty cash, is self-righteous, talks trash with nothing backing it. He basically thinks he's gods gift to this world. Can you say looooser!

He has actually said he CAN be picky. WHAT?!? Are you serious? What has lead you to believe this? You have no friends because you act like such an idiot, you have no car because you crashed it due to bad driving (failed his driving test at least 3 times, once because he almost hit someone), people make fun of you TO YOUR FACE, you PRETEND to talk on the phone with a girl or a friend for hours, you can't even keep a dead end job making smoothies (he quit on the first day because he dropped a smoothie! and for some strange reason he thinks his new boss will make him manager.) You even started crying because your little minor girlfriend broke up with you. "But we can still be friends..." sound familiar? Think no one knew about that? Yeah, you're real gangsta. If you humbled yourself, maybe just maybe you can be in a place to be slightly picky. But until then get over yourself and see the loser that you truly are.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fed up

I am so sick and tired of people underestimating me and assuming I don't think things through. Just because I'm doing something you personally wouldn't do doesn't make me an idiot! We're all made to have free will, not act like robots.

I've been told by so many older people (meaning people that could be my parents) saying that even now that they're "all grown up" and with kids of their own, looking back their parents didn't always make sense and the things they were told had to be done a certain way weren't always "right". They were even sometimes flat out stupid.

I'm not saying that I know everything or that I know better and those older than me don't know what they're talking about. I realize those older than me have gained life experience which I do not have much of yet since I'm only 22. But what I do know is no one but myself and God will ever know how I think, what I know, what I feel, etc. No one but me is me (if that makes any sense). Just like I will never know or completely understand those things about another person. But just because I'm a young adult, it doesn't make me stupid, or unwise, or naive, etc. You can't categorize everyone the same because everyone is different. Even though those categorize and stereotypes are around for a reason (reason being that the majority falls under them) IT DOESN'T MEAN WE ALL DO. You can't truly know what goes on in my head unless you're actually inside of it. So until then give me some freakin credit and stop treating me like I'm a stupid kid.

I'm telling you right now, I'm smarter than most people know. I'm WISER than most adults. I think EVERYTHING through before I make a decision whether or not I will do it. I think about how it will affect my future. I think about the pros and cons, ETC!

Your stupid little comments and assumptions PROVE you don't know me as well as you like to believe, and what you think of me is completely inaccurate.

I was told that in order for this person to stop treating me like a child that I probably need to prove myself to them. And that makes "sense". But why should I have to do that? I've made mistakes in my life just like everyone else. We're all imperfect humans so mistakes are apart of life. But, I have NEVER made a serious mistake. I never did drugs, drank underage, I never stole, I didn't even get married at 19 when I (we) originally wanted because we saw how stupid that would have been, blah blah blah. I didn't do any of that. Even though I had friends like that, I was never influenced to do it. Why? Because I thought they were stupid. I didn't even do things that most people my age did that was acceptable. I never went to parties, I didn't even go to my prom. Why, because I just didn't want to and I saw the possible dangers that could have been there. So tell me why I need to prove myself to anyone. I've already done it.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm with stupid

I sometimes wonder, "how dumb or naive do people think I am?" based on how I'm treated or talked about. People sometimes try to be sneaky thinking I can't see through their stupid little games. You know that saying "pick your battles"? Well that's exactly what I try to do. Just because I don't say anything it doesn't mean I don't see it, hear it, or know about it.

For the most part I don't care what people think of me because most have never gotten to know me well enough to actually be able to judge me accurately. But the one thing I can't stand is when someone thinks I'm stupid! Can't stand it, plain and simple.

"I know everything"

Being a young adult I constantly hear my elders saying that teenagers and young people think they know everything. Even though that may be an accurate stereotype for young people, the only ones I've actually come across who think they know everything are older ones.

Why is it that when someone is trained in a specific line of work, they give their expertise but someone has to tell them they're wrong and say what THEY think is the correct answer when in reality they have NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

For example: My fiancé is good with computers. His knowledge of them came naturally, but to top it off he went to school for it so he's actually trained in it. In our circle of friends and family this is basically a known fact. However, when asked by a certain person to take a look at their computer to see whats wrong with it, he tells them but they ARGUE about it, TELL HIM HE IS WRONG, and say what they THINK is the problem (even though its completely incorrect and they have nothing supporting their assumption). Would you go to a doctor with a problem, they take tests, figure out whats wrong, tell you and you say "No I'm sorry you're wrong. I think it's this...." Uhhh, I sure hope not! Why would you go to someone knowledgeable in that particular subject but then argue with their conclusion that actually has backing?? You are someone who has no training, no prior knowledge of whatever yet YOU'RE acting like you actually have a clue? Get over yourself.

We even sometimes get people telling us why WE do certain things or how WE feel in certain situations. Its like, uh no. Why don't you ask US how we actually feel rather than you just assume you know because obviously you're only going what what you think and not by actual fact.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

"I'm fat"

The other day I was with the guys talking and joking around when the subject of how skinny girls complain about being fat. I can't stand it! And neither can they. I "get" how the media has a role in this and stupid little naive teeny boppers tend to want to listen. But what I can't understand is why they're so easily convinced that women need to be skinny in order to be beautiful. You need to have name brand clothes, designer crap in order to be stylish, and so on. I mean, I get it but then I don't. Why is it these girls can't seem to think for themselves and just be happy with who they are (I know its not just the girls who can't think for themselves, but thats what I'm focusing on)? Do you really want to listen to people who are so concerned about a persons looks that they make so many feel bad about themselves who don't live up to THEIR standards? In the end, will it REALLY matter? NO.

I will admit, when I was younger there were things about myself that I didn't particularly care for and wanted to change. But it was all a "healthy" complaint that I just thought about every so often but didn't dwell on. I didn't hate myself or complain about not looking "perfect". Even now, there are a few things I'd still like different but whatever. I am who I am and I am actually happy with how I look. I'm not over confident, but I'm comfortable in my own skin. Even though I'm not a size 2, I feel good about myself (which surprises even me with my flaws). If I gain a couple pounds I don't freak out. If my pants are a little tighter than they were a few weeks earlier I just brush it off. Why? Because its not the end of the world.

You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. If anything I've found guys like it when girls have a little meat on their bones. Not just a skeleton who is 5'7, 103 pounds, and complains about being fat even though clearly you're far from it. Even if you are "fat" either do something about it or learn to love yourself for who you are, because honestly, it is whats inside that counts. At least to me anyways. I can see a guy with a "hot" body (I hate that word), a nice face, but with a bad attitude and he is not attractive to me at all. I'd prefer a husky guy, an average face, but humble and can make me laugh any day. Those looks will probably eventually fade and what are you left with? An ugly person inside AND out.

Who decided that skinny is beautiful and fat isn't anyways? There are plenty of people who beg to differ. I've seen so many people who are not skinny but very attractive, and skinny people who aren't. If you complain about it and just sulk because of it, of course you won't be happy. You don't need to be one of those people who thinks "I KNOW I look good", but be someone who even though you're not what the media thinks is perfect or beautiful, it doesn't mean its true. Look at some of the "beautiful" people of Hollywood. Britney Spears- Crazy. Paris Hilton- Stupid and USED, you get the point. Even though I don't exactly think those people are beautiful (mostly due to their attitudes) others do. Do you want to be like them? I sure hope not.

You are who you are and it's up to you if you're beautiful. Because in the end it really only matters what you think. If someone else doesn't think so, WHO CARES! Who made them the judge of another persons looks? They're probably too superficial to waste your time on anyways.

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Love is blind

For as long as I could remember, people have told me that if you're ever in a relationship and EVERYONE around you does not like that person then there is obviously something you are not seeing.

I guess this bothers me because I was never naive like so many are today. Even as a teenager growing up with my peers I was often annoyed by their stupidity and immaturity in their thinking (or lack of) and actions. I wasn't a prude or a goody goody, but I wasn't a stupid kid who didn't think about how my actions would affect me in the future. I was able to have fun, without being a typical teenager.

Back to my point, I am witness to so many (young) couples who are completely blinded by "love" and a big wedding that they don't see how their choice in a spouse would affect their future happiness and sanity. This is not an assumption or just something I've noticed, and I know it isn't my business, but that doesn't change the fact that its annoying how these "adults" can be so stupid, blind, and naive. They'll just have to learn the hard way that they really should have thought things through before making such a serious commitment

But why is it that when someone's significant other is controlling, insecure, and jealous that they can't see the red flags?

-Being told you can't see or talk to your best friend or friends anymore
-Can't be involved in something you love because they don't want you doing it (example: playing basketball with your friends)
-You can't do something UNLESS they are with you
-You can do what you want as long as they already have plans
-You can't hang out with a certain person because they turned down your significant other
-Being told what to do like you're a child

Why would any of that be tolerated? Why would someone who says they love you treat you like that? And if they act this way in front of everyone you know, having no shame, why would things be any better behind close doors once you're actually married?

Once they get out of that honeymoon stage and reality kicks in, how happy will they truly be? They won't. And that will result in an unhappy marriage, which will probably end in divorce. Now, I'm not saying that marriage will be perfect and that there will be no problems, because that's not realistic thinking. Flaws and imperfections are one thing, but flaws as serious as those will take its toll.

I'm all for bettering yourself or letting go of a life thats not "good" but you shouldn't give up what you love or those who are important to you, your freedom, and dignity just because THEY want you to. I'm not saying ignore their concerns and feelings, but certain things you shouldn't have to compromise.

There is a pattern though in the case of those I personally know. The naive, blinded by love are immature, not emotionally ready for marriage or even a relationship, this is their first serious relationship, haven't been together longer than a year before the engagement (so they're still in the "honeymoon" phase) insecure, low self esteem, and ready to just settle because they fear this will be their only chance to get married. They have ignored those red flags IN HOPE of change.

So if anyone who reads this is in a situation where your loved ones, friends and family, dislike your significant other take into consideration their reasons and actually take it to heart. Those who really love you want you happy and want whats best for you. Open your eyes and see for yourself who they are, not what you hope they become.

An ongoing struggle: Living with panic and anxiety

On a daily basis I am forced to deal with severe panic and anxiety. I know most people when they hear anxiety they don't think it's that big of a deal since nowadays, we're all anxious but most still go on with life. But for me and many others its not that easy.

Ever since middle school I have dealt with major stress, which has lead me to have headaches basically everyday. This was over 9 years ago. Now the stress for whatever reason has gotten worse.

In the past few months I have developed an issue with my breathing, which has lead to daily anxiety AND Panic attacks. When I breathe, it feels like my airway is blocked, not allowing myself to take in all the air that I need. So I need to take deeper breaths. But when that happens I get lightheaded and have the sudden urge to cry. I have to do this over and over while trying to hold back tears just to breathe, a function of my body that is supposed to be natural. I have to actually stop everything I am doing to just focus on my breathing until I can finally get that one comforting breath in. This normally goes on for hours at a time, which leaves me exhausted and feeling weak. I fear that I will eventually suffocate and die. Then the panicking comes into play. My hands and face start to go numb, I feel hot and cold at the same time, I feel like I'm going to pass out, my heart is pounding, and so on. Sometimes triggered by nothing at all.

To top it all off, which probably is a reason why I get these attacks, I think TOO much. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts. Literally from the moment I wake up, till the moment I fall asleep my mind is racing. When I'm overly stressed, it races so much that I can't even make out what my own brain is thinking. It's a blur of different images speeding by in my mind. I stress myself out over things I don't even need to be concerned about. I could be watching a TV show where something dramatic happens, and I will put myself in the characters shoes and start to stress as if I have to deal with their fictional problem. I can't even watch something for the entertainment of watching it. I have to analyze everything and point out whats wrong with it. The only good thing about my over thinking is if given a scenario, I can instantly find a way out of it or how to fix it. I'm able to think of things most people would miss and see things in a different perspective (example: putting myself in someone else's shoes).

This is how I describe my head as its racing with thoughts. Go into an electronics store such as Best Buy. Head over to the TV department and take note of all the TVs they have on display. Now imagine the entire store filled with TVs, all of which have a different show/movie on with the sound up. That is my head. All the images and sounds going at once.

You know what else? I don't even know how to relax. Its basically impossible (I know "everything is possible") for me to relax. My body is always tense even when I feel fine.

Its a constant struggle, which makes me feel trapped and helpless. Waiting for the next attack to arrive and having to try to over come it all over again.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The introduction

I'm not the blogging type, but ever since I joined a blogging community for my wedding I've developed a stronger interest in it. So here I am deepening myself in the blogging world.

Well let me introduce myself a little more in depth than what I already have on my page. I'm 22 and engaged to my wonderful boyfriend of over 4 years. He and I have known each other practically our entire lives. Its a difficult story to explain and I'm not really sure if I should say we have known each other forever or not. So I'll just leave it at that.

I'm an only child and a mixture of both Japanese and Mexican, but completely Americanized. Born in Southern California and lived in the same city all of my life.

I'm really just one of the guys and I'm treated as such by my friends since they are all basically guys. As you can see by my title, I'm not your typical girl. I'm not a complete tomboy because I do have some girly traits, but I'm far from a girly girl. I'm fairly low maintenance and don't get easily offended. I'm shy but do break out of that once I get to know someone better. I have no problem standing up for myself or those I care about. I'm not big on trends. I was never a people pleaser or a victim to peer pressure. At first glance I don't seem different from others, but once you take the time to know me I really stand out from the crowd.

I'm sure if anyone is reading this they're probably bored by now so I'll stop talking about myself and hopefully have interesting things to post in the future.